What Next?

The story, in my case, started the moment I took shape in my mother’s womb. Although I had sufficient access to food, the space was constricting. All attempts to escape the environment – throwing about my limbs – ended in despair. Not just that, the inhabitants of the free-world rebuked my attempts by terming them “cute”, “sweet”, “tender” etc. I felt helpless. It was then that I framed a sub-conscious objective - to wiggle out of the womb, to find that place where space would never be a constraint. Objective achieved; time taken - 9 months.

It was then payback time for all those people responsible for making me feel helpless in my previous abode. I forced them to feed me, to clothe me, to clean my debris, to make squeaking buffoon-like sounds for my entertainment and to participate in numerous activities that they normally wouldn’t. I had an awesome time. Payback meted out; time taken – 2 years and 3 months.

At the fag-end of the payback period, people started to see through my deliberate ploy. I was no longer cuddled whenever I forced tears out of myself. I could no longer get people to do crazy things for my 1000-watt smile. I was thrashed around if I “debried” all over the place. Worst of all, I was thrown into a school – gotten rid of by the same people who couldn’t let go of me for even a minute (When I was awake, i.e.). I had to adapt to the new environment and find a new method to get things done for myself. The existence of a sibling meant that I needed no rocket-science to figure out what I had to do – score marks (cross the 90% barrier). The objective was achieved on and off. My scores ranged from 50% to 99%. Things were amazing when I crossed the barrier, and brutal when I didn’t. The journey consumed 10 years of my life.

When I entered my 10th grade, I caught a new buzzword doing the rounds – IIT JEE – and held on to it. By using the buzzword, I had risen above the task of scoring marks in the examinations (the people around me no longer cared). I could use the phrase “I’m preparing for the IITs,” to get things done for me. I then dreamt of what I could get done for myself if I could use the phrase “I’m an IITan” - objective framed; achieved in 3 years; preferential treatment lasted another 4 years.

During my first job at L&T, a harsh reality struck me. I could no longer command the preferential treatment from my colleagues and bosses. It was déjà vu – the same sub-conscious/conscious feeling was haunting me yet again. A week of observation yielded a mission – be a part of the management! Objective – get into a top B-school; achieved in 2 years; preferential treatment lasted another 2 years.

The last one year (after the previous phase) has been a year of extreme introspection. I’ve come to realize that being a part of the management wasn’t as rosy as it seemed to me. In fact, there has always been a stark contrast between what I expected and what I experienced once an objective was achieved. I expected the world to be freer once I got out of my mother’s womb. I expected people to give me undue attention forever, when I was a baby. I expected things would get easier if I crossed the revered 90% barrier, only to realize that a 50% score was surreally looming around. I expected a king-size life once I cleared the IIT-JEE. Finally, I expected to be someone everybody would look-up-to, once I became a part of the management. I was always disappointed. This disappointment made the question – “What next?” – run amok in my mind. One disappointment led to another disappointment and that to another. Damn the vicious cycle.

Today, I take an oath that I should’ve taken the moment I was born – “I shall strive to find happiness in the present.” It’s time to undo the 25-year-damage I’ve done to myself. Wish me!